************************

Unavoidable Laws of the Universe
These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

*********************

The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item fro m a particular floor, or may choose to
go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love $ex.

The second floor has wives that love $ex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

*********************

Exercise for People Over 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb sacks.

After a few more weeks, try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, you can try putting potatoes in each of the sacks.

*************************

Unfortunate notices

In a toilet

Toilet out of order please use floor below

Outside a second hand shop

We exchange anything, bicycles, washing machines. etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain

In health food shop window

Closed due to illness

During a conference

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor

In a farmers field

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges

On a repair shop door

We can repair anything, (please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn't work

***********************

Pilot Checklist
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

****************************

The sign in front of Heart Lake United Church on Sandalwood Parkway East usually has inspirational messages on it, according to resident Nicole Cedrone.

So as she drove home from the doctor's office this week, she did a double take when she saw the most recent message: "Lying in bed shouting Oh God doesn't constitute going to church."

*********************

"THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN"
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

**********************
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $10, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

*********************
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

********************
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

******************
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

********************
CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men throw things at cats.

**********************
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

**********************
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

********************
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change... but she does.

**********************
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man may put on shoes for weddings and funerals.

*********************
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

**********************
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

***********************
THINK ABOUT THIS:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reasons  not to mess with children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Practical Guide to Understanding Men
Some things you should consider if u want a nice, healthy relationship.

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

5. Crying is blackmail.

6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: -Subtle hints do not work! -Strong hints do not work! -Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

7. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

8. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

11. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

12. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

14. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

15. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.

18. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

20. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

21. When we have to go somewhere, practically anything you wear Is fine...Really.

22. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as soccer, horror flicks or The godfather.

The way MEN Think:

23. You have enough clothes.

24. You have too many shoes.

25. You're good with directions but you sure as heck can't drive!
 

Through a Child's Eyes...
Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and "haveing" to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you got now?  from Jane

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that ok?  from Neil

Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.  from Ruth M.

Dear God,
In Bible times, did they really talk that fancy?  from Jennifer

Dear God,
I think about you sometimes even when I'm not praying.  from Elliot

Dear God,
I am an "Amearican", what are You?  from Robert

Dear God,
Thank You for the brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.  from Joyce

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard to love all of every body in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.  from Nan

Dear God,
Please put another Holiday between Christmas and Easter, There is nothing good in there now.  from Ginny

Dear God,
If You watch in Church Sunday I will show you my new shoes. from Mickey D.

Dear God,
If we come back as something please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.  from Denise

Dear God,
I would like to live for 900 years like the guy in the Bible.  from Chris

Dear God,
If you give me Genie lamp like Aladdin I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.   from Raphael

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made the light but in Sunday school they said You did it.  So I bet he stole your idea. "Sincerly" Donna

Dear God,
If you let the "dinasor" not extinct we would not have a country. You did the right thing. from Jonathan

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. from Larry

What happened to Stanley...?
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After the talk he offers question time to the children.

One little boy put up his hand and George asks him his name. "Stanley" responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Stanley?".

"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "Ok, where were we? Oh, that's right, Question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand.
George points him out and asks his name. "Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve"?

"Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?"
Fifth, why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?
and six, what the hell happened to Stanley?"
 

Signs actually seen:
 
      On a Plumbers truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
 
      On the trucks of a local plumbing company in  NE Pennsylvania:
      Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
 
      Pizza shop slogan:  7 days without pizza makes one weak.
 
      At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
 
      On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
 
      In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you
      are on fire and take appropriate action.
 
      On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
 
      At an optometrist's office:  If you don't see what you're
      looking for, you've come to the right place.
 
      On a taxidermist's window:  We really know our stuff.
 
      In a podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels.
 
      On a fence:  Salesmen welcome - Dog food is expensive.
 
      At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet
      - miss  a car payment.
 
      Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear
      you coming.
 
      In a veterinarian's waiting room:  Be back in 5 minutes.
      Sit  Stay
 
      In a restaurant window:  Don't stand there and be hungry.
      Come on in and get fed up.
 
      In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully.
      We'll wait.
 

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It
 was  so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one
 was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
 
 The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see,
 while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother
 pushed and  after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by
 the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
 
 The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
 
 The child replied, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...spank him again."
 

Think you know everything?

 1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
 2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
 3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
 4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
 5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
 6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
 7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
 8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
 9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
 10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are  stuck on 4:20.
 11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
 12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
 13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial, on the back of the $5 bill.
 14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
 15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
 16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
 17. There are only four words in the English language which end in dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
 18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula"
 19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
 20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
 21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
 22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
 23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
 24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street, were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
 25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
 26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
 27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
 28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
 29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
 31. The microwave was invented, after a researcher walked by a radar tube, and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
 32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
 33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
 34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
 35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only  the left hand. ...
now you know everything...

"Oil Change Instructions For Women"
 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
 $20.00 for oil change
 $1.00 for coffee
 Total = $21.00

 "Oil Change Instructions For Men"
 1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
 3) Open a beer; drink it.
 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
 7) Place drain pan under engine.
 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
  9) Give up looking after 15 minutes and use crescent wrench.
 10) Unscrew drain plug.
 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; burn hand in hot oil, get it all over your clothes in process.
 12) Clean up mess.
 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
 14) Look for oil filter wrench.
 15) Give up looking after 10 minutes, poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
 16) Another Beer.
 17) Buddy shows up to lend technical support, helps finish case of beer; unanimous committee decision to finish oil change tomorrow.
 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11 & 18.
 20) Beer. No, wait a minute - drank it all yesterday.
 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
 24) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
 27) Drink beer.
 28) Uncover hole and sift through muck for drain plug.
 29) Mutter under breath about first quart of fresh oil, now on the floor.
 30) Drink beer.
 31) Slip with crescent wrench while tightening drain plug, bang knuckles on frame.
 32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
 33) Begin uncontrollable cussing fit.
 34) Throw wrench.
 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes due to thrown wrench damaging Miss December (1992) on the left breast.
 35) Beer.
 36) Clean up hands and forehead; bandage as required to stop blood flow.
 37) Beer.
 38) Another beer.
 39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
 40) Beer.
 41) Lower car from jack stands.
 42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
 43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
 44) Beer.
 45) Test drive car.
 46) Get pulled over & arrested for driving under the influence.
 47) Car gets impounded.
 48) Make bail; retrieve car from impound yard.

 Money spent:
 $50.00 parts
 $27.50 beer
 $75.00 replacement set of jack stands (hey the colors have to match!!!!)
 $1,000.00 Bail
 $200.00 Impound and towing fee
 $2,379.50 Fines and court costs
 Total = $3,732.00

TEARS
Why are you crying?" he asked his mom.
"Because I'm a woman" she told him.

"I don't understand," he said.
His mom just hugged him and said, "and you never will . . ."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does
mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could
say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still
wondering why women cry . . .

Finally he put in a call to GOD; when GOD got on the
phone the man said, "GOD, why do women cry so easily?"

GOD said . . . "When I made woman she had to be
special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry
the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and
the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going
when everyone else gives up and take care of her
family through sickness and fatigue without
complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under
any and all circumstances, even when her child has
hurt her very badly.

This same sensitivity helps her to make a child's
boo-boo feel better and shares in their teenagers
anxieties and fears.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his
faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his
heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never
hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and
her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

I gave her tears to shed. They are hers to use
whenever she needs them.  They  are her secret
strength.  They make her more like me.

Noah's Ark
It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed.

But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.  Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.


"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.  The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah.  "I did my best, but there were big problems.  First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes.  I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.

However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.   They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan.  I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking  godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."

Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional.  I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.  Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean  you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord."

"No," said the Lord sadly.  "I don't have to. The government already has."

Microsoft's Bill Gates takes on General Motors
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.

For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "Car NT", but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same-sized butt.

9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure" before deploying.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn all over again how to drive, because none of the car's controls would operate in the same manner as the old car!!

13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
 

Newspaper Classifieds
Ever read through a newspaper classified section? Here are some ads found while browsing the section:

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

3. Our experienced mother will care for your child. Fenced yards, meals and smacks included.

4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

6. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.

7. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

8. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

9. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Benefits: Blue Cross Medical Insurance and salary.

10. Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

11. For sale; an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.

13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

14. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

15. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

16. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

17. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

18. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

19. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

20. Toaster: a gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

21. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.

22. Used cars: why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

23. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

24. Wanted: hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

25. Wanted: man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

26. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

27. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

28. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

29. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

And then there are those mistakes found in the main sections of newspapers that raise a laugh. Here are just some:

1. The sunbather watched the soaring seagulls wearing a striped bikini.

2. We sold the vacuum cleaner to a young woman with the cord in the rear.

3. He told her that he wanted to marry her frequently.

4. The politician met informally to discuss food prices and the high cost of living with several women.

Attention Wal-mart shoppers

Things to do at WalMart while the spouse is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a Code 3 in housewares," and  see what happens.

4. Put M&M's on lay away.

5. Move "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to carpeted areas.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite hem in if they bring pillows from the bedding  department.

7. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "WHY won't you people leave me ALONE?"

8.While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if  he knows where the anti-depressants are.

9. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".

10. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"

11. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the  fetal position and scream "NO! NO!  It's  those voices again".

12. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud  "HEY, WE'RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER IN HERE!

How bright we are...
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1. On Sears hair dryer:  "Do not use while sleeping".

2. On a bag of Fritos:  "You could be winner!  No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(Evidently, the shoplifter special)

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions:  Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how. . . ?)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:  "Serving   suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of  box):   "Do not turn upside down".
(Oops, too late!)

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:  "Product will be hot after heating". 
(As night follows the day . . .)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:  "Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:  "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this  medication".
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

9. On most brands of Christmas lights:  "For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to what?)

10. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

11. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning:  Contains nuts".
(NEWS FLASH)

12. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:   "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3:  Fly Delta.)

13. On a child's Superman costume:  "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." 
(I don't blame the company...I blame parents for this one.)

and my personal favorite...........

14. On a Swedish chain saw:  "Do not attempt to stop chain with you hands or genitals". 
(Was there a chance of this happening  somewhere?....Good Grief)

Actual Bumper stickers..
1. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

2. The Earth Is Full - Go Home

3. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

4. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

5. Illiterate? Write For Help

6. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

7. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

8. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

9. Heart Attacks. . . God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

10. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

11. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

12. Saw It. . . Wanted It. . . Had A Fit. . . Got It!

13. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

How true it is...
1. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

2. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

3. Love is grand; Divorce is several hundred grand

4. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

5. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible  world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

6. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

7. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

8. It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

9. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

10. I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.

11. I am a nutritional overachiever.

12. I am having an out of money experience.

13. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

14. A day without sunshine is like night.

15. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

16. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

17. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

18. Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

19. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

20. You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
you grow old because you stopped laughing.

Sometimes we need to put things into perspective,  we expect so much and  appreciate so little!

 If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who will not survive the week. 
 
 If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 500 million people around the world.   
 
 If you attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest or torture  of death, you are more blessed that almost three billion people in the world..   
 
 If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your  head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.
 
 If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish  someplace, you are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy.  
 
 If your parents are still married and alive, you are very rare, even in the United States.  
 
 If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful,  you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.  
 
 If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder,  you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.
 
 If you prayed yesterday and today, you are in the minority because you believe in God's willingness to hear and answer prayer.  
 
 If you believe in Jesus as the Son of God, you are part of a very small  minority in the world.  
 
 If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all.

OK, back to business now...